Write with Passion

     I returned last week from the annual Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators conference in Miami. It was a great conference with plenty of agents,editors, and successful writers to meet and learn from. 

     One of the best sessions was taught by Sarah Davies, an agent with the Greenhouse Literary Agency. She emphasized writing stories that take your breath away, that make the reader contemplate the human condition and to think--What if...?

     She absolutely sold me. My goal is to write with passion and to write stories that make one pause, that make one see in a new way, that make one feel a connection to the characters. Not an easy task, and I know it won't be easy for me; but I want to do this. So there it is--my goal for this year. 

     Have you read any stories lately that took your breath away? I would love to hear about them.

Communication Without Evaluation

     Nonviolent communication requires that we learn to separate our observations from evaluations. While this may seem easy, it is not. For most of us, when we observe others and their behavior, we too frequently add our evaluation to the observation.
     
     For example, suppose while walking along a city street I see a man sitting on the sidewalk. His clothes are disheveled and dirty, his hair a mess, and he sports several days growth of beard. I most likely would think that he is homeless and has a drug and/or alcohol problem. I have added my evaluation of him to my observation.

     Or, my teenage child has not cleaned her room in months. In trying to get her to clean the room, I might tell her, among other things, "You are lazy."

     Here, again, I have added my evaluation to my observation. The problem is that all she is going to hear from me is the criticism-"you are lazy." This will lead to hurt feelings and, possibly, an argument. If I had just kept to an observation without the evaluation by saying, "You have not cleaned your room in months" we would have a better chance of discussing the situation and working out a solution. 

     Also, claiming she is lazy does not take into account other areas where she shows effort, perhaps school or sports.

     Other examples of how to omit the evaluation:
--With evaluation: Tom is a poor baseball player.
   Without evaluation: Tom hasn't had a hit in the last five games.

--With evaluation: You are always too busy for me.
  Without evaluation: The last three times I have asked to speak with  you, you said you didn't have time. 

--With evaluation: _____ (name your group of people) are lazy.
   Without: The _______ family at 213 Main Street haven't cut their grass in two months.

To avoid evaluations in conversation be specific as to the behavior and the situation. By avoiding evaluation we learn to speak more accurately and with less criticism, thereby increasing the likelyhood that the other person will hear us and not respond angrily to our being critical.

What do you think?  Using evaluation in our conversation seems to be ingrained in our culture. For me, it is difficult to stop evaluating. Difficult, but something worth doing.

Communication That Blocks Compassion and Alienates People

     "She is soooo lazy."

     "He is the most selfish person I know."

     Language such as this "traps us in  a world of ideas about rightness and wrongness-a world of judgements." So says Marshall Rosenberg in his works on nonviolent communication. I agree. When we judge others, we cut ourselves off from a compassionate relationship with that person.
    
     We also become preoccupied with who's right or wrong, good or bad, smart or ignorant. Not a helpful way to look at others. I know. I have been plenty judgemental in my life. Trying to change to a more compassionate outlook is not easy because we are taught to think and talk in a judgemental manner early in life.  

     We should not confuse value judgements with moralistic judgements. Value judgements are those qualities we hold dear in our lives; we make moralistic judgements of those people who fail to live up to our values.

     Other forms of communication that blocks compassion include: comparing others or ourselves; denial of responsibility-we are each responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings; making demands of others; and the concept that certain actions deserve rewards and others deserve punishment. Concerning this last concept-it is in our society's interest that people change not to avoid punishment,but because they see the change as benefiting themselves.
    
     Rather than being judgemental, Dr. Rosenberg believes that we would be better served if we focused on what our needs are and what others needs are and whether or not those needs are being met. When we are in contact with our feelings and needs, we open ourselves up to compassionate relationships with others.

     How can we begin to communicate and think in a more compassionate manner? That is the topic of the next blog.

     Do you see yourself as being judgemental? Tell me about it. I would love to hear from you. 

    
  

The Power of Words

     Words are powerful. As a writer, I am acutely aware of this. And you, I feel sure, are also aware of their power. What you may not be aware of, however, is the power of your spoken words. 

     I have been studying Marshall Rosenberg's excellent book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Marshall was introduced to the violent nature of man early in his life which led him to ask two questions:

• What disconnects us from our compassionate nature leading us to behave violently? (He believes our nature is to be compassionate, not violent.)
• What allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature, even under difficult circumstances?

     In exploring these two questions, Marshall was struck by the crucial role  language and words play. The words we use often lead to hurting someone or causing them pain, even when we don't intend for this to happen. We often cause pain for ourselves when we direct critical statements at ourselves.

     Unfortunately, our cultural conditioning leads us to be judgemental in a very large percentage of our observations.

     Oh no, not me, you may be thinking. 
    
     At first, I also thought I was pretty much free of making judgements. But after reading a few chapters of Marshall's book and then paying special attention to what I said over the period of one week, I realized how difficult it is to communicate without judgement. 

     I didn't just observe my conversation, but also that of others around me. And I can't help but come away with the conclusion that unless you have been working very hard at communicating in a compassionate manner, you too are expressing judgements many times during the day.

     What is the problem with being judgemental you might ask. One problem is that when your message contains criticism, that is all the receiver of your message will hear and they will become defensive. That being the case, it hurts relationships and messes with our ability to communicate clearly.

     Relationships that are harmed include: friendships, teacher/student, parent/child, husband/wife, co-workers, boss/employee, and any other  where comunication is essential. 

     In future blogs I'll be giving examples of all of the above and share some of the solutions found in Marashall's book and others I have to offer. 

     Have you ever experienced difficulty in a relationship due to judgemental communication? I would be interested in hearing about your experience. 

      
  

What Your Children Can Say To Their Homeless Friends

     Polk County in central Florida now has a record number of students enrolled who are homeless. This is likely true of many school districts throughout the nation thanks to high unemployment and the large number of home foreclosures. The chances are pretty good then that if you have a child in public school, he/she knows someone who is homeless.

     Polk County Schools has distributed an activity book to help kids understand homelessness. It's a very thoughtful booklet that helps students get in touch with their own feelings and explore how they might feel if they were without a home to live in. This is an important step in helping them to learn to empathize with others. 

     After exploring how they might feel if they were homeless, have your child think about the many reasons that could lead to someone being homeless. Through understanding that loss of a job, death or illness of a parent, or any number of reasons that might happen to anyone could lead to losing a home, helps your child to not be judgemental or see that child as "bad" or a "loser."

     Finally, have your child think about the ways he can help a homeless student. Being a friend, playing with the person, and including him in activities are some ways. Also, the homeless child is more than just "homeless." He is still a child, a student, a friend, and still has the same feelings, wishes and desires as he always had. It is important to not think of someone just as "homeless."

     Of course there are many other things one can do on a larger scale. Donating food to a shelter, writing letters to local newspapers and to congress calling attention to the plight of the homeless are a few examples.

     Helping our children to grow up with empathy towards others and an interest in resolving social problems is the right thing to do.

    

Getting Back

Thanksgiving is over. Okay, so you already know that. I mention it only because now I must get back to whatever it is that I do, after spending an entire week doing something that was very foreign to me--spending a week at a resort in Orlando with two lovely ladies and three wonderful energetic children, ages two, four, and six.

I was in the habit of spending five or so hours per day tending to my writing not tending to the desires of small children. Now, don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the little buggers, but I was out of my element.

Now they have all gone back to California and I am back to the computer. The problem is that my habitual routine has been broken and I'm finding it not easy to get back to. This morning, for example, I spent several hours doing things related to the holidays coming up, rather than the habitual writing.

What I am coming to realize is that having good writing habits is important, but other things are important also and sometimes those things will take away from the writing, like spending time with family. Which got me to wondering--do other writers have scheduled times to write and how do they deal with extended time away from writing? 

Maybe time away is a good thing. Getting back into the groove may be difficult, but the experience had in the time away is an important part of being alive and, in the end, adds to our ability to write about the things that really matter.  

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Does the Newberry Award Guarantee Popularity?

Today I read a blog from a school librarian stating that the Newberry Award doesn't automatically send children scampering to read it. She mentioned The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman is never checked out by children in her school. This came as a big surprise to me because I thought it was a great book.

On the other hand, another Newberry winner Good Masters, Sweet Ladies, a book about Medieval times, is checked out frequently, especially when a play is being produced about that period. Apparently, the children use the book to help them with their play. This is a book that one might think would not have much appeal to children.

It seems that the students are led to read the book on Medieval times, but I remain puzzled as to why they don't show an interest in The Graveyard Book.

What has been your experience? Do you gravitate to Newberry Award winners? Do you think children are more likely to read Newberry books? Let me know what you think.