Helping the Bully

     We usually think of the bully as someone who should be punished for his bullying behavior, we don't have any desire to help him. When the bully is a child, however, without help to change that behavior, the bully has a good chance to grow into a criminal lifestyle. One study showed that 60% of boys who were bullies in middle school had at least one criminal conviction by age 24. Not good.

     I am aware of one elementary school counselor taking a child who had made remarks about killing another person and working with him to help develop compassion and understanding for that person. It is too early to know how that child will turn out, but I would bet money that he now has a better chance of escaping an antisocial lifestyle.

     Here are some ways to help the bully:

• Don't minimize the problem, treat it seriously.
• Don't believe everything your child tells you--check out the facts.
• Try to find out why your child is exhibiting bullying behavior, get professional help if necessary.
• Let your child know that bullying behavior is not tolerated.
• Don't model bullying behavior, such as threats, slaps, etc.

This is the last of my series on bullying behavior. It has become a special interest of mine since a bully became a  part of my novel Address Unknown.

Have you had an experience with bullying? I would be interested in hearing about it.

Parents Should Be Aware of the Many Types of Bullying

I was happy to learn this past week that the White House is holding a conference on bullying. Perhaps this will give it the national attention it deserves. So often we pay attention to bullying when a tragedy has occured, too late to help the victims. We should be mindful of bullying at all times.

In keeping with this, following are the types of bullying:

1. Physical Aggression: Hitting, pushing, kicking, spitting, stalking.

2. Verbal Aggression: Name calling, teasing, insulting remarks, threatening, disrespecting a persons race, disability, appearance, religion, sexual orientation, or anything different about the person.

3. Emotional Aggression: Spreading rumors, isolating a person from a peer group.

4. Sexual Aggression: Unwanted sexual advances or actions intended to make the person uncomfortable, embarrassed, or humiliated, and might include obscenities or gestures, exposure or physical contact.

5. Cyber Bullying: Using the internet, interactive and digital technologies or mobile phone to communicate words, images, or language to willfully harm a person as described above.

Any thoughts about bullying? I would love to hear from you.  

What is Bullying?

        Exactly what is bullying? It's good to have an idea what constitutes bullying behavior so one can recognize it when it happens. We shouldn't dismiss this behavior as "just kid stuff" when it is in reality harmful. 

        A good place to find a definition is from the school system as they deal with this behavior on a daily basis. The Polk County School System in Florida defines bullying behavior as needing to meet three criteria: 

        1. A behavior must be unwanted, offensive, threatening, insulting,
            humiliating, or interferes with the individual’s school performance
            which results in the victim feeling stressed, injured, or threatened.  

     

       2. There must be an imbalance of power between the victim and the

           aggressor.

 
       3. The behavior must be repeated.

        This seems to me to be a comprehensive and helpful definition.

        In future blogs I'll look at other facets of bullying and what we can do about it.

Meanwhile, if you have any thoughts or experiences with bullying, I would appreciate hearing from you.

Write with Passion

     I returned last week from the annual Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators conference in Miami. It was a great conference with plenty of agents,editors, and successful writers to meet and learn from. 

     One of the best sessions was taught by Sarah Davies, an agent with the Greenhouse Literary Agency. She emphasized writing stories that take your breath away, that make the reader contemplate the human condition and to think--What if...?

     She absolutely sold me. My goal is to write with passion and to write stories that make one pause, that make one see in a new way, that make one feel a connection to the characters. Not an easy task, and I know it won't be easy for me; but I want to do this. So there it is--my goal for this year. 

     Have you read any stories lately that took your breath away? I would love to hear about them.

Communication Without Evaluation

     Nonviolent communication requires that we learn to separate our observations from evaluations. While this may seem easy, it is not. For most of us, when we observe others and their behavior, we too frequently add our evaluation to the observation.
     
     For example, suppose while walking along a city street I see a man sitting on the sidewalk. His clothes are disheveled and dirty, his hair a mess, and he sports several days growth of beard. I most likely would think that he is homeless and has a drug and/or alcohol problem. I have added my evaluation of him to my observation.

     Or, my teenage child has not cleaned her room in months. In trying to get her to clean the room, I might tell her, among other things, "You are lazy."

     Here, again, I have added my evaluation to my observation. The problem is that all she is going to hear from me is the criticism-"you are lazy." This will lead to hurt feelings and, possibly, an argument. If I had just kept to an observation without the evaluation by saying, "You have not cleaned your room in months" we would have a better chance of discussing the situation and working out a solution. 

     Also, claiming she is lazy does not take into account other areas where she shows effort, perhaps school or sports.

     Other examples of how to omit the evaluation:
--With evaluation: Tom is a poor baseball player.
   Without evaluation: Tom hasn't had a hit in the last five games.

--With evaluation: You are always too busy for me.
  Without evaluation: The last three times I have asked to speak with  you, you said you didn't have time. 

--With evaluation: _____ (name your group of people) are lazy.
   Without: The _______ family at 213 Main Street haven't cut their grass in two months.

To avoid evaluations in conversation be specific as to the behavior and the situation. By avoiding evaluation we learn to speak more accurately and with less criticism, thereby increasing the likelyhood that the other person will hear us and not respond angrily to our being critical.

What do you think?  Using evaluation in our conversation seems to be ingrained in our culture. For me, it is difficult to stop evaluating. Difficult, but something worth doing.

Communication That Blocks Compassion and Alienates People

     "She is soooo lazy."

     "He is the most selfish person I know."

     Language such as this "traps us in  a world of ideas about rightness and wrongness-a world of judgements." So says Marshall Rosenberg in his works on nonviolent communication. I agree. When we judge others, we cut ourselves off from a compassionate relationship with that person.
    
     We also become preoccupied with who's right or wrong, good or bad, smart or ignorant. Not a helpful way to look at others. I know. I have been plenty judgemental in my life. Trying to change to a more compassionate outlook is not easy because we are taught to think and talk in a judgemental manner early in life.  

     We should not confuse value judgements with moralistic judgements. Value judgements are those qualities we hold dear in our lives; we make moralistic judgements of those people who fail to live up to our values.

     Other forms of communication that blocks compassion include: comparing others or ourselves; denial of responsibility-we are each responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings; making demands of others; and the concept that certain actions deserve rewards and others deserve punishment. Concerning this last concept-it is in our society's interest that people change not to avoid punishment,but because they see the change as benefiting themselves.
    
     Rather than being judgemental, Dr. Rosenberg believes that we would be better served if we focused on what our needs are and what others needs are and whether or not those needs are being met. When we are in contact with our feelings and needs, we open ourselves up to compassionate relationships with others.

     How can we begin to communicate and think in a more compassionate manner? That is the topic of the next blog.

     Do you see yourself as being judgemental? Tell me about it. I would love to hear from you. 

    
  

The Power of Words

     Words are powerful. As a writer, I am acutely aware of this. And you, I feel sure, are also aware of their power. What you may not be aware of, however, is the power of your spoken words. 

     I have been studying Marshall Rosenberg's excellent book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Marshall was introduced to the violent nature of man early in his life which led him to ask two questions:

• What disconnects us from our compassionate nature leading us to behave violently? (He believes our nature is to be compassionate, not violent.)
• What allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature, even under difficult circumstances?

     In exploring these two questions, Marshall was struck by the crucial role  language and words play. The words we use often lead to hurting someone or causing them pain, even when we don't intend for this to happen. We often cause pain for ourselves when we direct critical statements at ourselves.

     Unfortunately, our cultural conditioning leads us to be judgemental in a very large percentage of our observations.

     Oh no, not me, you may be thinking. 
    
     At first, I also thought I was pretty much free of making judgements. But after reading a few chapters of Marshall's book and then paying special attention to what I said over the period of one week, I realized how difficult it is to communicate without judgement. 

     I didn't just observe my conversation, but also that of others around me. And I can't help but come away with the conclusion that unless you have been working very hard at communicating in a compassionate manner, you too are expressing judgements many times during the day.

     What is the problem with being judgemental you might ask. One problem is that when your message contains criticism, that is all the receiver of your message will hear and they will become defensive. That being the case, it hurts relationships and messes with our ability to communicate clearly.

     Relationships that are harmed include: friendships, teacher/student, parent/child, husband/wife, co-workers, boss/employee, and any other  where comunication is essential. 

     In future blogs I'll be giving examples of all of the above and share some of the solutions found in Marashall's book and others I have to offer. 

     Have you ever experienced difficulty in a relationship due to judgemental communication? I would be interested in hearing about your experience.