I have been studying Marshall Rosenberg's excellent book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Marshall was introduced to the violent nature of man early in his life which led him to ask two questions:
- What disconnects us from our compassionate nature leading us to behave violently? (He believes our nature is to be compassionate, not violent.)
- What allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature, even under difficult circumstances?
Unfortunately, our cultural conditioning leads us to be judgemental in a very large percentage of our observations.
Oh no, not me, you may be thinking.
At first, I also thought I was pretty much free of making judgements. But after reading a few chapters of Marshall's book and then paying special attention to what I said over the period of one week, I realized how difficult it is to communicate without judgement.
I didn't just observe my conversation, but also that of others around me. And I can't help but come away with the conclusion that unless you have been working very hard at communicating in a compassionate manner, you too are expressing judgements many times during the day.
What is the problem with being judgemental you might ask. One problem is that when your message contains criticism, that is all the receiver of your message will hear and they will become defensive. That being the case, it hurts relationships and messes with our ability to communicate clearly.
Relationships that are harmed include: friendships, teacher/student, parent/child, husband/wife, co-workers, boss/employee, and any other where comunication is essential.
In future blogs I'll be giving examples of all of the above and share some of the solutions found in Marashall's book and others I have to offer.
Have you ever experienced difficulty in a relationship due to judgemental communication? I would be interested in hearing about your experience.